Fabian, R.I.P.

Though a blog shout out hardly seems the most appropriate way to honor the life of someone lost, it is presently what I can offer in respect to my friend, Fabian, that passed away this morning. It is also a personal means for me to mourn his parting, to cope, and to remember all the wonderful things that came with our friendship.

Fabian and I became friends at UCF, and I am proud to say I was the instigation for his continued involvement in Campus Crusade for Christ. Through this organization, we both made many strong friendships and continued to grow in our faith. Our friendship grew and was frequented by many good laughs, including the time he asked me if I wanted some of his peanuts, and I thought he said "penis". We played soccer together, played poker, prayed together, and even served at the same church. He was a wonderful man and a great and loyal friend. My life was richer because of his presence.

Unfortunately, during a time our friendship came to conflict. I am sad to say that my own selfishness and stubborn pride let our friendship fade. But by the grace of God, we reconciled our relationship with a happenstance "bump into" that forced me to apologize for my grudge. In his death, I learned a valuable lesson. It is not good to burn bridges, hold grudges, or prevent forgiveness lest you never get the chance to change it and you might find you regret it. I am incredibly thankful I have no regrets with Fabian, but I am sad that this lesson came at the great cost of my friend.

As I spent today reflecting and crying over the life of Fabian, many things came to mind. First, my grief pales in comparison to those he survived: His parents, his brothers, his girlfriend... my deepest prayers go out to his loved ones.

Secondly, life is so fragile. Few, if any, get to decide the when, where, or how they will leave this world. Death is not fair, and it claimed a life that I truly believe was not meant to be lost so early.

Thirdly, the Christian clichés would say "Everything happens for a reason.", and I do not agree. None of us are meant to die. We will. Yes, of course. This is the brokenness of our world: that as soon as we knew our first breath, we would know our last. But I believe Fabian was meant to live his life to the fullest, without pain or sin or weakness (like all of us), and yet his life was cut short because we live in an imperfect world. I accept this, but I do not like it. Which leads me to mourning.

I want to grieve Fabian. Mourn our loss. We are now without our brother. And it's okay to be mad and angry at the loss of a life deeply valued. As Americans, I do not think we know how to mourn correctly so as it heals us or in the least brings us the sense of closure that we need. We choose to medicate it, drown it, or ignore it, and all that does is delay the response, not rid us of our sadness. Therefore, I think it's good to empty ourselves to the sorrow we feel and devote ourselves to mourning that which we no longer have. I think this shows respect to the value of Fabian's life. It brings closeness in those who survived him, where we can find strength in each other's encouragements and the memories of his life. And in some way, I think it weakens our spirit enough to allow us to truly heal from our loss.

Lastly, I am jealous of Fabian. No, I do not wish to pass from this world just yet, but Fabian, like me and our many friends, believed in Heaven. And I know Fabian is where he thought he would be when he died. And for as mysterious, unfathomable, and wonderful as Heaven is always believed to be... the veil is now lifted to Fabian and he is in a better place that the rest of us have yet to know. For that, I am rejoicing for his new freedom.

I celebrate you, Fabian. You were a true cut from a rare mold. I love you, I miss you, and I look forward to seeing you again.

Rest in peace.