Stuck in their ways

I was thinking about the phrase "stuck in their ways" today when realizing that a lot of my views on things have drastically changed since I was younger. Well, I'm still young, so let's say since highschool. Or even college. I always correlate that phrase to "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and how the most "set in their ways" people I know are typically old people.

But then I was thinking about how my late grandfather, Pop, wasn't a very "set in his ways" type person. Granted, I'm sure he had and always had certain firm convictions. The man was extremely frugal, sometimes irritable with bad service or rude behavior, and he without a doubt would have beat down any man that insulted or threatened my grandma. He was old-fashioned, but I will give him credit on his curiosity. He was a devil's advocate and one to benefit his own conscious. He had some beliefs on God and the afterlife, the purpose of our souls, and all those somber topics that I probably wouldn't have agreed with during college, but I find myself accepting them as more truthful now.

And I'm okay with that.

I remember, during college, I was sharing some of my religious beliefs and him challenging me. He was asking me very difficult questions and not only had I never had such questions asked to me, but he was also the most intimidating man I knew. Not because he was scary, but because I had such a deep respect for him and his attention to me had never deepened past hugs and kisses and more care-free conversational subjects like my school, lack of a love life, and any funny stories I had to share. Serious topics had never been discussed. So 5 minutes into my first adult conversation with my grandpa, I had already started to cry and agree with whatever I felt he wanted me to believe.

I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem thick skinned. (name that movie quote!)

It wasn't until he asked me why I was crying that he told me he wasn't reprimanding me, but just making sure I was thinking for myself. Logic is something that is very important to that part of my family. I think we deeply pride ourselves in the way we figure things out and look at the world. We are problem solvers and solution finders.

Since my grandpa has past, I've spent some quiet time thinking about the person I want to be, the things I believe, and how to challenge myself. I'm fortunate to have an equally, if not more so, logical and wise beaufriend that I can bounce ideas off of and him keep me more to the "straight and narrow".

With my new conclusions on what is true and what is pointless and what is knowable or unknowable, I have found a peace, even if I have found that I am not ready to share them. I find comfort in hitting a wall of a hard concept and throwing up my hands and saying to myself "I don't know! and in the big scheme of things... what does it matter!"

I think my grandfather would agree that's their is some wisdom both in the curiosity to test one's belief, but also to know when something has no true benefit in it's challenge.

p.s. to all my Christian friends, this was not a post about losing my faith. In case there was that fear I was being passive aggressive about atheism or something.